This Destroyed Soul

As my life is a play, being shown on a stage, I know that things can be shown in their true form. But, unlike most, the end of my play won't be a grand finish. The greatest acts of my life are long gone and all that remains is time. Time I must remain here, trapped in a world where happiness has lost feeling, excitement is few and far between, and even waking up in the morning has become a chore.

But when it comes, the time to take my final bow, please remember that the acts which held meaning have long since passed. As I take that final bow, I don't want a standing ovation and I don't want the slightest tear shed. I just ask that you turn and walk away, never giving a second thought as to the reason I was here. Just leave me on stage with the lights fading, and know that for the first time since my story began, I can feel at peace. I'm free from the chains of life which dragged me down, free from worry about the world around me, and free from the biggest weight that I had to always carry...myself.

I believe there is a reason for everything. There is a reason for the good and bad times, the ups and downs, the why and the why not. My downfall comes from my obsession of wanting to know those reasons. I can't help it, I just want to know why things happen.

Why was I bullied when I was younger? Why can't I ever put myself before others? Why am I so afraid of people? I try to understand but it always feels like a worthless effort. I can't ever see the reasons for the things that happen in my life, but have no trouble seeing the reasons of others. Not understanding is like a kick in the head to me. It makes me feel like I won't be able to study those reasons so I can make improvements.

If I knew the reasons, maybe I'd know why all but 1 of my offline friends just walked away. I'd know why I am so afraid of others and maybe find a way to overcome that fear, rather than sit here, letting my life waste away. I'd sure like to know how love can become nothingness instantly.

I just don't know how one girl was able to make me fall in love with her, even after my heart had been completely destroyed. I don't know how to trust others. I can't find a reason to want anything more in life than to just be content. I want to know the reason that I'm not ok with myself and neither is much of the world. I want a reason why I have to convince myself every day to take that next breath.

I need a reason to show me why a future is worth planning for...

Why am I still here?

Years ago, I was at the lowest point in my life. I made a decision based on the information I had at the time. In my head, I really only had two choices...find a way to make the pain stop...or die. Neither of those were good options, but they were all this tortured soul could see. I made my first decision...and it was wrong. I thought it was helping to take some of the pain away, but it turned out to only destroy me in a new way.

Seeing how my first decision only made things worse, I felt there was only one option left...to die. I tried to die. I tried to make the years of pain, torture and torment finally give up their hold on me...but I failed at that too.

Or did I?

Maybe I didn't fail at killing myself, but succeeded in starting a life that no one wants to live. A life where love can go from meaning the whole world, to completely worthless overnight. A life where years of friendship are thrown away like trash. But I'm alive. I'm alive in a world that hates because it doesn't understand. A world that rejects you, without taking the time to look at everything. A world where a lifetime of good becomes meaningless, all because of one mistake.

I wake up every morning into this life and go out into this world every day. Yet not a day goes by where I don't ask myself, "why?". Is this life, this world, really worth being a part of? Should I have ended it all to keep myself from being a part of this world which I dislike so much? Why should I try to find the will to continue on in this broken life of mine?

What is my purpose?