This Destroyed Soul

I believe there is a reason for everything. There is a reason for the good and bad times, the ups and downs, the why and the why not. My downfall comes from my obsession of wanting to know those reasons. I can't help it, I just want to know why things happen.

Why was I bullied when I was younger? Why can't I ever put myself before others? Why am I so afraid of people? I try to understand but it always feels like a worthless effort. I can't ever see the reasons for the things that happen in my life, but have no trouble seeing the reasons of others. Not understanding is like a kick in the head to me. It makes me feel like I won't be able to study those reasons so I can make improvements.

If I knew the reasons, maybe I'd know why all but 1 of my offline friends just walked away. I'd know why I am so afraid of others and maybe find a way to overcome that fear, rather than sit here, letting my life waste away. I'd sure like to know how love can become nothingness instantly.

I just don't know how one girl was able to make me fall in love with her, even after my heart had been completely destroyed. I don't know how to trust others. I can't find a reason to want anything more in life than to just be content. I want to know the reason that I'm not ok with myself and neither is much of the world. I want a reason why I have to convince myself every day to take that next breath.

I need a reason to show me why a future is worth planning for...