I believe there is a reason for everything. There is a reason for the good and bad times, the ups and downs, the why and the why not. My downfall comes from my obsession of wanting to know those reasons. I can't help it, I just want to know why things happen.
Why was I bullied when I was younger? Why can't I ever put myself before others? Why am I so afraid of people? I try to understand but it always feels like a worthless effort. I can't ever see the reasons for the things that happen in my life, but have no trouble seeing the reasons of others. Not understanding is like a kick in the head to me. It makes me feel like I won't be able to study those reasons so I can make improvements.
If I knew the reasons, maybe I'd know why all but 1 of my offline friends just walked away. I'd know why I am so afraid of others and maybe find a way to overcome that fear, rather than sit here, letting my life waste away. I'd sure like to know how love can become nothingness instantly.
I just don't know how one girl was able to make me fall in love with her, even after my heart had been completely destroyed. I don't know how to trust others. I can't find a reason to want anything more in life than to just be content. I want to know the reason that I'm not ok with myself and neither is much of the world. I want a reason why I have to convince myself every day to take that next breath.
I need a reason to show me why a future is worth planning for...
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10:55 PM
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Why am I still here?
Years ago, I was at the lowest point in my life. I made a decision based on the information I had at the time. In my head, I really only had two choices...find a way to make the pain stop...or die. Neither of those were good options, but they were all this tortured soul could see. I made my first decision...and it was wrong. I thought it was helping to take some of the pain away, but it turned out to only destroy me in a new way.
Seeing how my first decision only made things worse, I felt there was only one option left...to die. I tried to die. I tried to make the years of pain, torture and torment finally give up their hold on me...but I failed at that too.
Or did I?
Maybe I didn't fail at killing myself, but succeeded in starting a life that no one wants to live. A life where love can go from meaning the whole world, to completely worthless overnight. A life where years of friendship are thrown away like trash. But I'm alive. I'm alive in a world that hates because it doesn't understand. A world that rejects you, without taking the time to look at everything. A world where a lifetime of good becomes meaningless, all because of one mistake.
I wake up every morning into this life and go out into this world every day. Yet not a day goes by where I don't ask myself, "why?". Is this life, this world, really worth being a part of? Should I have ended it all to keep myself from being a part of this world which I dislike so much? Why should I try to find the will to continue on in this broken life of mine?
What is my purpose?
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11:15 PM
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